I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
