Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
