Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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