her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
