Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
