i just wanna soil my oats bro
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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