dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I AM VODKA MAN
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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