im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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