my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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