Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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