During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
