i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
