I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
