Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
