Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
