I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
