Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
