I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
