cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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