So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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