saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize