I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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