Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
