Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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