Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
