but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
