I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
