11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
