I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
