i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
