I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
