you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
