And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
