Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
