i already hear my dad disowning me
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
