what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
