Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize