if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
