and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
