I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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