turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
