I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize