Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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