to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
