Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
