Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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