he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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