His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
