I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
