thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
