her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
