do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
