It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
They took my balls.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
