fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
