I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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